The following was used at the funeral of an elderly gentleman who admitted to being a ‘grumpy old git.’ When he spotted this amongst my resources he laughed loudly and said: ‘I want this read at my funeral’ and so it was! The congregation laughed too, as it reflected his character perfectly.

I don’t want any of that… ‘We’re gathered here today to celebrate his life, not mourn his passing. ‘Oh yes you are. Get one thing straight, you’re not here to celebrate but to mourn until it hurts. Don’t dwell on my past but your future. For what you see is what you’ll be and sooner than you think. So get weeping. Fill yourselves with dread. For I am not sleeping, I am dead.

‘That awkward age.’ by Roger McGough.