All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down
the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom.
The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.
Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in
marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you’re
in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over
you, what would you like them to say?”
Artie said, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a
fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”
Eugene commented, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful
teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s
lives.”
Al said, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!'”
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given
a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.
“Here is your ocean-side condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop at any of the many bars located throughout the area.”
“Heck Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter had walked away.
“we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn’t heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!”
Just before the funeral service of an elderly gentleman, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked. “How old was your husband?” ’98’ she replied… ‘Two years older than me.’ ‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented. She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home is it?’
I was testing children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them: ‘If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale
and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?’
‘NO!’ the children answered.
‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept
everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?’
Again, the answer was ‘NO!’ Read more
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
My son, “Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.”
My daughter “Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.”My son, “Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says,
“Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”.
Sarah replies, “Property? …. He’s talking about a paper round!”
A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and
come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?”
(HERE IT COMES!!!)
The wife said, ” Let him dig.
I had him buried upside down…and
I know he won’t ask for directions.”
A friend who knows that I help people plan celebratory funerals prior to need said: “When it is my turn, put me in a black sack and take me to the dump.” Today I spotted the perfect vehicle to transport him to his resting place – courtesy of Horsham Council.
One day a rich man went away on a course. He rented a room in a five star hotel. As there was a computer in his room , he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However he accidentally typed in the wrong address and sent the e-mail to a widdow who had just returned from her husband’s funeral. Read more
A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTHERN TEXAS COUNSELLED HIS GRANDDAUGHTER THAT IF SHE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKL A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HER OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.
THE GRANDDAUGHTER DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY UNTIL
THE AGE OF 103, WHEN SHE DIED.
SHE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN,
30 GRANDCHILDREN,
45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN,
25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN,
AND A 40-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.